Chapter One
The Audacity
Part I: Dormancy
Chapter 1
July 15, 2019
Jude Monroe would die in 18 minutes. Of course, he had no way of knowing this. Ironically, his thoughts were nowhere in the vicinity of a reflection on mortality. They were not on the mission at hand, nor even the integrity of the rocket named Audacity. Rather, his thoughts dwelled upon the students of Perryville High School, the school where he taught history, and the thumbs up he promised to send them when a tiny red light would pop on at the front of the compartment to signal a live camera at T-14. He hoped this image would bring a new level of credibility for his “chase your dreams” classroom mantra. Sitting in his padded chair, strapped to a rocket, his thoughts were on his students and nothing else.
At T-13, exactly 30 seconds after the red light from the cockpit camera turned off, Jude could not help but think, for the first time, that he was completely useless. He sat back and watched as the four others in the rocket methodically completed each of their pre-launch tasks. As he watched the command pilots, Link and Sarah, complete their final superstitious motion through the reflection glass at the front of the cabin, his mind started to drift off. He thought of his sister and how, despite the fact that his presence on this mission was originally her idea, she probably hadn’t taken a breath since she arrived at the observation bleachers hours ago.
“Monroe, are you with us Monroe?” asked Sarah, startling Jude. “You’ve been staring at me through the mirror for about 60 seconds now. Can we keep the crush outside of the billion dollar missile?”
“You wish, baby,” Jude, with a smirk, quickly responded, “but that shit is going to space with us.”
Looking to her partner, Link, Sarah said, “See, I told you he’d become one of us. Say, Monroe, aren’t teachers supposed to not use expletives? Especially when they’re being recorded and listened to by a couple hundred scientists and whoever else?”
“Look, shit happens. Besides, what are they going to do? I’m an astronaut now.”
“He makes a good point,” replied Caroline Smithpeters, the Mission Specialist and only veteran astronaut on board, “astronaut celebrity status awaits you all upon return.”
“Exactly!” said Jude, still looking at Sarah in the reflection glass. She made no effort to conceal her smile. “As we leave the Earth, I am simply Mr. Monroe, but when we return, I shall be Mr. Moonroe! Am I right people?”
After a brief pause of silence containing the ringing of the emphasized word ‘people,’ the crew let out a mixture of true laughs and pain-filled groans. “Good God, that’s painful. You’ve been holding that in a while, haven’t you?” asked Sarah, cheeks red.
“No way, on the spot. You guys selected me for my potential to top lines like ‘one small step’ and whatnot.” Jude responded, barely able to turn his head but doing his best to look around the cabin.
“T-3 minutes,” stated a voice from Mission Control, “and can we please skip the puns, otherwise we might not let you come back down in a week.”
“Come on guys, we’re adults…” said Abe, the payload specialist, with as sarcastic of a tone as he could manage.
An anxious calm fell over the cabin as the crew continued to monitor their respective screens, and the gravity of the final few minutes began to sink in. Humor could no longer remove the crew’s attention from the inevitable. By this point in the process of pre-launch, there was not much to do in the cabin except listen for the countdown cues. No puns, no small talk, nor the beepings of machines around the crew could detract from the reality of the situation. The adrenaline each member felt staring straight up into a perfect baby blue sky became overpowering. Each crew member knew that, in a matter of minutes, that blue would fade to the darkest black.
Jude closed his eyes and tried to cement the reality he had known for the last 30 years of his life. However hard he tried to maintain normalcy, he was fully aware that in ten minutes, everything he thought he knew would be forever changed.
“T-2 minutes, close and lock your visors,” the familiar voice from mission control stated.
Jude watched his new friends shift and close their visors. Sarah, with a hand on her helmet, looked back through the reflection glass, gave Jude a wink, and proceeded to lock her visor, which, like everyone else's, was completely transparent. Jude felt warm as he locked his own visor and continued to watch the others in the rocket. He had become so very close with the people around him. His eyes shifted from Sarah to Abe who watched their tiny interaction before sealing up their helmets. With eyebrows raised and a friendly smugness on his face, Abe was the last one to close his visor.
***
Abe was the first person to meet Jude at the welcome party for the crew three months earlier. Looking like he had just bitten into an onion, he approached Jude. “Do NOT eat the ants on a log,” Abe said, holding out a hand to be shaken. He was much taller than Jude and he had cool blue eyes. However, he was far from imposing. “They taste like they’ve been left out since Apollo 13. I mean hell, I know budget cuts, but get us some damn hors d’oeuvres!”
“Are you always complaining?” asked Sarah, who came around the buffet table to join the conversation. “Hi, I’m Sarah Lazerous. I’m one of the two command pilots… but the only one that matters.” She reached out her hand, and Jude could not help but be intimidated by her poise and ability to dominate eye contact. “Abe,” said Sarah, still maintaining eye contact with Jude, “since day one, you complained about the fabric of the lining inside your jumpsuit and now free food? What’s next?”
“Well,” stuttered Abe, “probably having to be taken to space by some second-rate Navy pilot.”
Sarah’s head slowly turned toward Abe. Her blonde hair fell slightly over one of her eyes, but her glare was undeterred. They stared at each other for what felt like an hour and then began to laugh loud enough to drown out any of the neighboring conversations. The pair turned back to Jude with genuine smiles. “This guy and I have been through too many simulations during this whole training process,” said Sarah, pointing her thumb at Abe.
"He’s not worth a damn for anything, besides some good jokes, but you gotta love him.” She slapped Jude on the back. “Welcome to the team, champ. See you bright and early tomorrow. I’m headed back to the kitchen to see if I can make some real food.”
The two men watched Sarah walk away. “She’s a lot to handle, but damn, she makes things interesting,” said Abe with a smile.“She’s single too bud, so do with that what you will.” He walked away, only to briefly turn around for a quick second with eyebrows raised, smugness on his face, and left Jude to take in his first encounter with two people; the likes of which he had never met. He knew, despite the fact that he never thought of anything to say during the entire encounter, that he would grow to love both of those very brazen, yet very welcoming people.
***
Abe, sitting directly behind Jude, smugly raised his eyebrows in the reflection glass. Jude had to laugh, but he had no way of knowing that this would be the last moment he would see one of Abe’s iconic expressions.
“T-1 minute.”
“You good, kid?” said Caroline to Jude through the microphone built into her helmet. “Haven’t heard you make any puns in a few minutes and it’s kind of… eerie. Just breathe, it’s going to be a smooth ride.”
“Uh, yeah,” said Jude, “just taking it in… trying to keep it in… y’know.”
Because of the angle he was sitting, Jude could not see Caroline’s face through the reflection glass, but he knew she was smiling. Three months of training and through high points and low, Jude could always count on Caroline to be there supporting him with a smile. “The smartest people in the world are sending you out of it, and they are going to bring you back safely… Don’t sweat it.”
“Yeah,” laughed Sarah, “no reason to be nervous, the autopilot does all the work… Link here won’t be touching anything, and we’re all the safer for it.”
“Just another pretty face,” Caroline laughed, “easy job when everything is planned out for you.”
Link, captain of The Audacity, had no comeback but laughter as he finalized his pre-launch procedure. Jude appreciated the humor and the words of encouragement from Caroline. He had missed the feeling of maternal support ever since the death of his mother. It was like having her back in his life. Leading up to the launch, it helped him with his anxiety more than he ever realized.
***
Three months of intense training led up to the moment of the launch. Each step of the way, Caroline Smithpeters was there. During each simulation, each exhausting exercise in the ice-cold pool, each moment of nausea, she was there.
“Y’know kid, we all know you’re a teacher and not a scientist, or a pilot, or filled with experience,” Caroline said after the first day of training. She found Jude standing outside staring up at the night sky. “You were selected for a reason, though. The other four of us made it to where we are right now because somewhere down the road there was a teacher who made us want to keep chasing our dreams. My first time into space, it was impossible to not reflect on my journey there. I thought of my mom, who was on the ground watching, I thought of my sister who pushed me every day, and I thought of Mrs. Abbots, my ninth-grade science teacher. She would stay for hours after school with me just to discuss planets. Fact is, when you start to feel that Imposter Syndrome, realize this: we have your back. You are an astronaut now. You are on my team, and I’ve got you every step of the way.”
She patted him on his shoulder, gave him a smile, and said, “Now come on, let’s go eat some dinner, but don’t eat anything you like. The simulator tomorrow is a real bitch, and it’ll ruin your appetite for whatever this meal is forever… Trust me, I know...”
***
“You sure you’re okay, kid? Kid?” Jude heard again through his headset.
“Yeah. Yeah, I am solid… My stomach is a little rumbly… I’m really kind of hoping it's just the rocket…” said
Jude, trying to hide his nerves with his usual humor.
“You are such a weird guy, you know that?
“Listen Ace,” said Link, “there’s a lot of talk about how good the filtration is in those suits… they’ll get the vomit out, sure, but they don’t get the smell out… I learned that the hard way.”
“Link here did one too many corkscrews in an F-14 a few years back apparently. It’s a great story,” said Sarah as she laughed with everyone in the cockpit, including Link.
“Don’t worry,” said Link, “the feds told me I couldn’t intentionally do any corkscrews in this thing, so you should be good… but really, don’t hurl, I’m not kidding about the smell…”
“He really isn’t,” said Caroline, still laughing.
Link was smiling as he looked in the reflection glass and back at Jude. “Y’know,” he said, “that actually reminds me of this story about when I was stationed in Norway and I had just had a huge plate of Fårikål… ”
***
Link always had good stories. Nights after long days of training would be matched with stories of good food from sausages in Germany, to curry in Southeast Asia, to authentic empanadas in Argentina. The stories would be wildly unbelievable and somehow always ended with the same line: “...and then the next morning I had to sneak out and I had this feeling… like I was forgetting something.”
The day before takeoff, Link woke Jude up. “Come on, Ace, let’s take a bike ride.” He was not someone anyone could say no to, especially for any adventure, large or small. The two emerged from their onsite living quarters as the final minutes of night began to tick away. They straddled their bicycles and rode in silence. The breeze of a cool morning crashed their faces as they rode next to each other. Link’s dark hair flowing in the breeze made Jude feel almost self conscious about his choice to wear a bike helmet.
As the sun began to break the horizon, the two slowed down to watch. Pulling up next to Jude, Link finally broke the silence. “Listen, Ace, I know you’ve kept this cool composure about liftoff tomorrow. I admire that. We all do, but, seriously, are you alright?”
“Uh, yeah, not too bad, I guess,” said Jude, looking away. “I’ve been trying hard not to think about it.”
“There’s a lot of people working to make sure that we get there and back safely.”
“People a lot smarter than me, that’s for sure.”
“And me. I trust them, though. I trust them with my life.” Link took in a deep breath and closed his eyes. As he reopened them, he stared at the sky and smiled. “Nothing more perfect than a sunrise, is there? All the potential for a new adventure… all the life that can be lived… All the bike rides with new friends. Come on, let’s keep going.” Link took off, and Jude took a moment before following. He looked back at the sunrise as he let Link’s words settle in.
The two, in their matching navy jumpsuits, rode for a few more minutes while a group of reporters arrived early and took pictures of the two on their bikes. This would make for a few feel-good images for the Internet later.
Because of quarantine procedures, they had to stay further away.
“Listen bud, when I was in Cairo, I had to do a solo mission. I flew over a small village 30 miles south, and my right wing was hit by an RPG, one of our old ones, and I had to bail. I had to hide in a local village. My parachute was bright white… anyone could see that I made it out of the plane. Enemies searched all over for me, but they couldn’t find me. I was able to send coordinates to my team in Cairo. I was only able to move around at night. Food was hard to come by on the first night… rough situation. However, my team was incredible, and fortunately smarter than those bad guys also looking. My team found me first, and then the next morning I had to sneak out with them and I had this feeling… like I was forgetting something.”
“Was it your plane?”
“Obviously, it was Einstein, but also the lady’s name who I hid with on night two… Egyptian girls, Ace, I know where we’re going when we come back to Earth.”
“I’m just a teacher, man, I have responsibilities. I can’t go gallivanting around the globe and live some superhero life like you have. There’s the life of Link and the life of Jude… You’ve got this James Bond life, and I’ve got this… this… well, I’m a teacher. I inspire kids to live the life you lead. That’s good enough.”
“My brother,” said Link, pulling his bike over again, putting one foot on the ground, and looking straight at Jude,
“listen to me. Tomorrow night, you are going to be in space. Off this planet. Reality as you know it will be changed. But, dude, seriously, are you actually going to wait for zero gravity to realize that you can do anything and be anything you want to be? Why not listen to your own damn lectures and inspire yourself? Don’t wait for zero gravity to fly. Just step out the door and fly. Do anything. Be anything, Ace.”
Standing next to Link, he truly heard each word. Link had hit a chord with Jude that had always been there. The feeling to do more, to be more. “You’re right,” said Jude.
“Damn right I’m right… I know you like the classroom, but two words Ace: book sales. You write about this adventure when we get back and you’ll be loaded. We’ll take the funds and fly across the planet for some Arabian nights, eh?”
Jude just looked at him, a smile growing on his face…
“Ehhhhh????” emphasized Link, laughing and nudging his elbow into Jude’s side.
Jude laughed and looked down at the ground. He kicked a rock that was close to his foot. “I don’t think anyone has said no to you before, Link.”
“Nope! But hey, speaking of women, let’s get you back to the dorms to see your new best friend.”
“Who?” said Jude, starting to get embarrassed, “Sarah? No...”
Link settled his bike and pointed at Jude. He shoved his index finger into Jude’s chest. “Ace, remember what I said: do anything, be anything, it’s in you. It always has been... Don’t wait for zero gravity to realize that.”
***
“... and then I snuck out that morning and I couldn’t help but think I was forgetting something…”
The story fell on deaf ears as the bright red numbers blinking to takeoff seemed to speed up.
“T- 20 seconds.”
“Godspeed, everyone,” stated Caroline, whose hands instinctively became fists.
“This is as good as it gets,” Abe yelled, trying to speak over the cacophony of sounds around him.
“Not yet, in 10 minutes, you’ll see ‘as good as it gets,’” Caroline yelled in response.
The vibrations were unreal to Jude. Everything began to flash before his eyes, his sister, his students, the simultaneous loss of both parents three years ago, the decision to try to be more, and then finally, Sarah. All of the nerves one could possibly feel sent his eyes to the reflection glass.
“10...9...8...7…”
The clock counted down, ticking closer to the death of the crew. The numbers faded away as he looked at the reflection and through Sarah’s visor. Despite the enormity of the situation, he chose to look in her direction, locked his focus, and became calmed by her brown eyes.
***
The night after the welcome party, this mysterious woman was on Jude’s mind. Actually, it was her laugh. It continued to ring through his ears. He had never heard anything like it before. He replayed the scene, the eye contact, the firm grip, the soft hands, and how idiotic he felt for not saying a single word.
He stared at the ceiling of his dorm as all of this was on his mind when a pair of knocks hit his door. “Monroe,” said Sarah Lazerous, “get your ass up and come with me. I have something you need to see.”
Jude sat up, trying to be composed, and slowly got to his feet. He tried to think of something witty to say, but she was out of the room before he could get a syllable out. “Great,” Jude thought to himself… “0 for 2.”
He finally caught up with her before she exited through a door that said “To Roof.” The two climbed the stairs until they arrived at the top of the complex. Without any light exposure, there were twice as many stars as Jude, forever the city boy, had ever seen. His eyes were wide, and he couldn’t hide any bit of his reaction to the sky above.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Sarah said as she walked up next to him and joined him in looking to the sky. “I mean Earth, yeah, amazing, beautiful, and the Alps might be the prettiest mountain range in the entire galaxy, but come on, the real beauty... it’s out there.” She paused and then said more quietly, as if to herself, “it’s out there.”
Jude continued to look to the night sky. There was something about where he was in that moment that made it seem all the more peaceful. Yet, when he looked back at Sarah, whose eyes were fixated on the stars, he could not help but also think how the Earth had just as many mysteries as any other celestial sphere. This woman, this interesting human, with more complexities than Jude could ever dream of unraveling, and the way she looked at the stars as if she were attempting to decipher the secrets of each one, he was transfixed.
The two stood and looked to the night sky in silence. Not awkward silence, not uncomfortable dawdling; it was a calmness which Jude hadn’t felt since he could remember.
Sarah finally broke the quiet. “Look, it took a lot of courage for you to do what you’re doing, and I really appreciate you for that.”
“Aren’t you the one who flew a solo mission into Baghdad?”
“I’d probably do that 100 more times rather than deal with 30 brats like you do every day.”
“Ah, they’re not too bad…” Jude said, looking at Sarah from the corner of his eye.
There was another peaceful moment. Sarah had yet to take her eyes off of the stars. Jude turned his head back to the sky to join her gaze.
Sarah took in the cool night air through a deep breath and began to laugh. “I saw your interview on CNN a couple mornings ago.”
“No, please, no!” Jude started to laugh in humiliation. “That was in the top five of the most embarrassing moments of my life.”
Mimicking Jude, Sarah put one hand on her hip, pointed one index finger to the sky, and said, “Uhh, yes, I hope I don’t get kidnapped by aliens, I have no training for that!”
“Stop!” Jude yelled, laughing, “what was I supposed to say?”
“True, true… they literally asked the worst questions…”
“Thank you, I’m glad someone understands me… my students are going to give me so much shit over that…”
“Oh no, profanity! Not the teacher profanity. Do you know when my childhood was ruined?” asked Sarah, watching Jude wipe away tears in his eyes from the laughter, “when I realized that teachers cuss, and drink, and have weird adult lives away from school buildings… honestly, it’s a terribly creepy thought…”
“Terribly creepy,” repeated Jude, looking back at Sarah, “terribly creepy… except me, of course, I enjoy my twin-sized cot under my desk. I never leave the school; all of my meals are cafeteria cuisine… It’s a humble life I lead, but it’s the path I’ve chosen.”
“Hey, living at a school, hard to get kidnapped by aliens on federal grounds.”
“My thoughts exactly…”
Laughing, Sarah looked at Jude. She smiled as she took a long look into his eyes. Her smile faded as she maintained her characteristically intense eye contact. He was already beginning to adore how she did that.
“Y’know,” said Sarah, “speaking of which, there was one thing in that interview that I particularly loved… you said… let me get this quote right… I loved it… ‘I guess I just agreed to do this thing because... aside from pressure from my sister… because after my parents’ car wreck, I got so scared of death that I forgot about wanting to live my life… So, I guess this is me, deciding that I want to live my life.’”
Sarah finally looked away from Jude when she finished the quote, and he was almost certain she was holding back tears. “I guess this is me, deciding that I want to live my life,” she repeated quietly… She took in another deep breath.
She looked at him again. “Jude, I fell in love with that sentence.”
He didn’t know what to say. Somehow, he felt completely understood in every way by this woman whom he had just met 24 hours ago. The way she looked at him and the way she repeated his cheesy one-liners, it was as if they had known each other for years.
He looked at her as she strengthened her gaze into him. “You’ve really done your research on me over the last week,” said Jude, immediately kicking himself for not coming up with something more witty.
Sarah moved in closer. She lightly put her hand on his shoulder. “Well, it’s because I think you’re cute.”
“Really?”
“No, dumbass, it’s because I’m about to be strapped to a rocket and launched off this rock with you.”
The two laughed, their entire bodies shaking from the humor. Tears of joy came back into Jude’s eyes. Sarah looked back up to the night sky. “You know, my mom had two of us kids. I was the oldest, and she died when I was 13… I never shook this feeling of loneliness. Not until I realized something when I looked up at the sky and I saw all these planets and stars… It’s hard to feel alone when there’s so much out there, y’know? People… They like to think of the Earth as some small inhabited space dangling in an unimaginably large abyss… but it’s just the opposite. Just the opposite. I always felt comforted by the sky… I never had words for those feelings until you said that in your interview…”
Sarah turned and looked at Jude, her cheeks were red, and she had a growing smirk. She took his hand and made a short laugh. “I understand you, Jude Monroe. I really do, and we’re going to become very close over the next few weeks… Just you watch…” She smiled as she leaned closely into him and kissed him on the cheek. Pulling away slowly, she smiled and resumed looking deeply into his eyes. After a moment, she quickly turned and walked away.
Jude stood there alone for a few moments. He couldn’t help but laugh. He touched his cheek where her lips had just rested. Feeling truly elated, he noticed that he had been staring too long at the door Captain Sarah Lazerous had just exited through. As he looked back to the night sky, he wondered how he could have ever felt as alone as he had before beginning this new journey. How could anyone feel alone in a universe with so much beyond any imagination, or even in a world with someone like that unfathomable woman who had just made him feel weightless?
***
“3...2...1… ” The countdown was spoken, but it was not heard by Jude, nor any of the other voyagers in the cockpit. The immediate pressure took the wind out of him. He closed his eyes and tried to catch his bearings. The pressure only intensified. He tried to scream, but when he opened his mouth, nothing came out.
To Jude’s surprise at this moment, it was not his life that flashed before his eyes, but the last three weeks. He thought of the bets the crew would take each night on how long it would take for Abe to complain about the health food served for their dinners. He thought about how many stories he heard ending with “...and then the next morning I had to sneak out and I had this feeling… like I was forgetting something.” He thought about the heart-to-heart conversations over cards after long days of training. He thought about how often Caroline would come up to him, put her hand on his shoulder, and tell him how glad she was for his presence on the team. He thought about three weeks of sitting in lawn chairs on the roof with Sarah and trying to work up enough courage to be witty. He thought about how he finally took Link’s ‘be anything, do anything’ speech to heart on the night before takeoff. He thought about how he used that speech the last night on the roof with Sarah as he took her hand, pulled her in, and kissed her. “About time,” she said, and the words were still ringing in his ears even above the roar of the rocket.
He thought of these beautiful friendships he had cultivated over three months. These four humans had changed his life. These four humans somehow became more important than the mission itself. These humans became more impactful than a ride to space could ever be. Mortality was the furthest thing from his mind.
Ignorant to his imminent death, he managed to reopen his eyes. He peered into the reflection glass and looked at Sarah. He thought about how beautiful she looked while in control of the magnificent machine propelling them into the sky. It was this contemplation that was the final thought Jude Monroe had, four minutes into flight, when The Audacity exploded and everything went black.